It’s been close to three months since my experience in the Balkans and in a way I feel like I have yet to integrate the experience into my day to day life. I’m reminded of a recent study of ‘identity windows’ where youth today have multiple identities which can be opened, closed, minimized, or maximized just like windows on a computer screen. For example, one day, I may identify with being an environmentalist, but the next day it may not be as important and identify with something else. Although I have this experience to look back on and use in my day to day life (especially when talking to students about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict), I find that I tend to ‘minimize’ the experience and ignore it in the conversation.

It’s not until later when I reflect back on the discussion that I could have used the experience to benefit the conversation. I’m not sure exactly why I do this. I think one of the main concerns is making sure that others can understand the full experience. For some of my close friends, I’ve been able to really share a full range of my emotions and thoughts on the experience. That does require a few conversations and time to get across. However, I hesitate to inject little pieces of my experience into day to day conversations because I fear that others just won’t get it. It’s a difficulty that I’m struggling with, but at the same time I’m aware of it and still trying to integrate. Hopefully, I’ll soon be able to keep the ‘Vision Fellow window’ focused and not minimized.

One experience this past month that was very rewarding was helping Penina out with a presentation she gave to her parents' chavurah gorup. Amit and I joined her, although we really only participated after her presentation for the question and answer period. It was very interesting because although I have been sharing my experience with others, it was fascinating to hear how others in the group tell their experience. One clear example was how Penina talked about the Srebrenica Ceremony. I actually left the group right when we got off the bus because it was crowded and no one was moving. While most went directly to the cemetery, I went to the museum with Amit, our facilitator, and then left him to get a view of the ceremony from high outside the cemetery. After already leaving the group, I personally did not feel right to go to the cemetery by myself and I wanted to witness the ceremony from a different perspective. However, when Penina was talking about that day, she was talking about how different participants related the event to a Holocaust ceremony or to Gaza. I never even knew that participants were feeling that way about Srebrenica because it did not come up in Group Process and I was not with the group during the event. This made me realize that there were lots of side conversations and experiences that affected other fellows in profound ways but I was not even present.

-Benji Berlow

On a daily bases the Vision Program seems to enter my daily life. Today as I overheard two students in my Government class discussing the former Yugoslavia. I could not help but inform them of my summer trip to the region and how Abraham’s Vision was to thank for the experience. They were amazed -as most people are- when I inform them that the trip included six Palestinian and six Jewish students. Before I new it half the class was listing to me telling stories about Serbia, Kosovo and the conflict in Mostar. Later that day as I was trying to reserve the Multicultural Center for my campus presentation. I found my self not just explaining Abraham’s Vision, but also the history of both the Balkans and Palestine/Israel. I can’t wait to rejoin the group in the Bay Area to exchange stories on how the Program has influenced all of our lives.

I am looking forward to next month for our first Vision Program retreat. It will be over three months since our last group meeting. During the Balkans portion of the fellowship, the war on Gaza was one of the main topics of debate. Now I foresee the Goldstone Report and final status negotiations taking its place. I don’t foresee all of us agreeing on the same things, but I do believe listing to the ‘other’ will be of great benefit to us all.

-Palestinian Student

I am very much looking forward to our retreat in November and reconnecting with everyone. This past month has been full of things I am eager to talk about.

I gave a presentation about the trip to a group of family friends. It went very well (with the help of Benji and Amit who came to support me and then also joined me to speak at the end)! I was nervous about angering people but no one seemed visibly angry, just very receptive, listening carefully to what we had to say. I thought it went really well, though after, I felt confused about why people hadn’t been angry. I had been hoping to push people a bit, make them feel uncomfortable in the kind of way that spurs good conversation and self-examination. I am planning another presentation and looking forward to it.

I’ve also had some interesting conversations about different methods for bringing about change in Palestine-Israel, and which are most effective. My mother and I, for example, have had some tense but really interesting conversations about divestment.

I’ve also read some things that I wanted to share. One was Raja Shehadeh’s book Palestinian Walks. In it he describes walks that he has taken in the hills outside of Ramallah and how those walks have changed over the years. His witnessing of the growth of the settlements was really hard to read. There was a really interesting passage in the introduction referring to the last essay in the book which tells the story of an encounter he had with a Jewish settler on one of his walks. He writes, “Yet despite the myths that make up his worldview, how could I claim that my love of these hills cancels out his? And what would this recognition mean to both our future and that of our respective countries?”
It meant a lot to me to hear him say this, to acknowledge the love of the settler for the land, however based-on-crime it might be…

- Penina Eilberg-Schwartz

Over the past six months I have been to a total of three family weddings, all of which have pointed out the different facets of my identity.

The cousins from my mom’s side are all Persian-Armenian so naturally they had relatively Armenian weddings. The bridesmaid and best man was a couple that have already been married. The first dance was performed by a traditional Armenian band. And the bride and groom were greeted by a priest at their house before the wedding even began.

Yet, it was my reaction to the music being played on the dance floor that made me realize how complicated my identity is compared to the rest of my family. From Andy to Haifa to Kanye to Rihanna, I was transitioning between dancing to Arabic music, Armenian music, Persian music, and good old mainstream hip hop. Although I have grown up in an American lifestyle and have mainly been exposed to my Persian-Armenian family, I somehow felt a stronger connection to the Arabic music being played. And I can’t figure out why.

Although I have spent the past few months organizing a Palestine Freedom Walk in L.A. and reminiscing on all that I have learned on the trip to the Balkans, I realize that I have been neglecting the other sides of my identity. And as a result, I have made more of an effort to balance them all. That’s not to say that I won’t remain dedicated to the Palestinian cause. I just think that I need to give equal attention to my Persian/Armenian/Arabic/American identities.
That being said, I’m very excited for the retreat that is coming up within the next month. The friendships we have made in this program are extremely unique and I can’t wait to see everyone again.

- Lillie Kasim

As I begin to plan my trip to California to reunite with the AV staff and fellows, I think about this summer's experience and am eager to see what November's three-day session will bring. I look forward to re-connecting with the fellows, learning more about what insights and developments the last few months have brought to them, and also diving back in to group process with Ahmad and Amit.

This month, I have geared my AV efforts to delving into Middle East news reports. Because I am away from the computer for a portion of the week and only have two or three days to catch up on reading, I have begun to affectionately call this process a "news binge." Though maybe not the best way to keep abreast of current events, it has allowed me to find a few articles of interest and research them further, rather than gloss over headlines for 20 minutes a day without retaining much of anything. My recent reading trail led me from the text of the Goldstone Report itself to watchdog websites such as UN Watch and Eye on the UN to the organizations JStreet. (All interesting reads, to say the least).

I am sad to report that while this exercise has been informative in some ways, at the end of the day I find myself simply frustrated. While there is much in the process of conflict transformation that can be achieved with less regard to day-to-day events in the Middle East, the truth is that each new external development has a profound effect on our internal group process. We may momentarily be able to shift our conversations away from the point-counterpoint style, but in order to balance idealistic solutions with realistic ones we need to look inside the framework of what is currently happening on the ground in this region. I find myself at an impasse because I am unsure of which sources to believe, if any at all; thus, in forming my own opinions, I am torn between what I have been taught in the past, what I read now, and what I have learned from the fellows during the course of our work together. Perheps this is something to address in November as a group.

I have also come to see more clearly how my skepticism regarding the media is colored by a nagging feeling that I am betraying my own community by giving credence to the reports I read. I think to myself – can it possibly be true that the Israeli government may have committed human rights violations and withheld basic supplies from Gaza in January, and that Israeli settlers – who say the same prayers and live by the same rules that my friends and family do – find it acceptable to personally terrorize Palestinian neighbors and their lands? It has taken much personal exploration to understand why I find it so easy to accept damning reports about the “other side” while scarcely being able to hear wrongdoings by a government and people community with which I feel extremely strong ties. On a weekly basis I worry about negotiating identities and evading harmful labels such as “rabid Zionist” or, on the other side, “Israel-hating (disloyal) Jew.” Within the AV group I see myself as privileged to be “not too attached” to any one side. I came in to the fellowship with an obvious affinity for Israel, but did not feel the same visceral attachment to the land as some of the other fellows, Jewish or Palestinian. In the coming weeks I want to allow myself the space to take advantage of this privilege and open myself up completely to the realities of both sides, and for now, allow my conscience and educated mind to choose rather than my sense of guilt and duty.

- Ariana Barth